Five of us sat down for our monthly 'Mom's Group' - sound pedestrian? It isn't, because we aren't. Over the last year of monthly meetings, I've discovered four other views on the universe: beings struggling for holiness, reaching out to God, in the midst of an ordinary-looking life. Why isn't it pedestrian? It could be: I mean, we could spend our rare evenings out giggling about cute things our cute cherubs said; we could rant and rave about why the washing machine isn't right next to the dryer; we could really get deep about abacuses.
Don't get me wrong, we do all that. But there is an undercurrent that has been there from the beginning: we all want to let God make us saints. As a priest once said , "Don't shoot for purgatory- what happens if you miss? Shoot for heaven." So our discussions always seem to evolve into important ones. The other night one of the more important issues that came up was that of obedience. How does one, in a marriage, cultivate this important virtue? It is what St. Paul talks about when he is saying, " Stay in the state in which you were called." This means, make a virtue out of every and any situation you are in. Obedience has to do with this, because it is part of aquiring a humble spirit. Humility is the foundation of the spiritual life. You cannot grow without it.
For the religious, obedience is a simpler matter, although not less difficult. In a marriage, the question of obedience is more complicated, like a dance. There is a hierarchical relationship, of which the husband is the head. But the husband, in turn, is to love as Christ loved, and that is as a servant, a loving servant. This is why the Popes have called themselves, "Servant of the servants of God." Also, a marriage is an organic, close-knit relationship that does not have the clarity, often, of the rules governing a religious institution. Marriages are more messy in their character, and highly individualized.
Obedience is a virtue, it is like modesty, it is more than the outside acts which may or may not show it. Someone can exhibit "obedient" acts, like not ever arguing, but this does not speak to how the heart of the person is. And the heart is really what counts. Obedience of the heart, is, in my view, a true vision of the purpose of the hierarchical nature- that is, that it mirrors and teaches ourselves and others about the relationship of Christ to the soul, of the Blessed Virgin to the Godhead, the relationship of Christ to the Chruch. A marriage of true hierarchy and an obedient spirit is the best evangelization to the children of the marriage as well as to others in the world. I imagine an obedient wife as I imagine Mary with Joseph- but I always imagine how Joseph must have been to Mary: and this is not to be overlooked. For the husband is to love his wife as he would love his own flesh- she is in fact his own flesh.
Now husbands, like wives, are not usually saints. In the rough grass of the non-saints' marriage, the development of a delicate virtue like obedience is very difficult. St. Rita, who had a very hard marriage, allowed God to help her make her situation an occasion of heroic virtue. But often, neither the wife nor the husband is a St. Rita. So the work of aquiring an obedient spirit has to be coupled with prudence. When does obedience become a vice?
A wife, in my opinion, has to use her brains a lot. There are many times when it would be a lot easier just to not say anything and let the husband make all decisions without any flack whatsover. This is a masquerade of obedience. True obedience is to be a partner and counselor, to advise and help, but to know prayerfully when the final decision must be made. It is much harder to let go of a decision when one has put more than two cents in- but it is better to use one's gifts and talents and then to stuggle a bit than to be a self-imposed doormat.
A wife also has to know that obedience is a virtue when she is playing her role fully, with as much of her person as she can. Also, obedience is a virtue when exercised in a licit situation. Being "obedient" when anyone, even a husband, asks one to be complicit in something illicit is no longer the virtue of obedience, but rather a vice.
When on earth would that happen in our marriages? It isn't likely that one's husband will ask one to get involved in drug dealing. It will happen, most likely in terms of childrearing. Obedience gets tricky here, because most women are more versed in the ins and outs of childrearing in general, and if they are at home with their children, they know the children better. Therefore, the woman becomes the expert on the children. Her advice on issues like discipline and schooling become more than just advice. If a husband is making a bad decision which can potentially harm the children, and the wife aquiecses out of "obedience", she is actually behaving visciously: one, because she is allowing the children to be exposed to potential or actual harm, and two, because she is not helping her husband to grow by keeping silent.
It may sound nit-picky to think of when obedience is licit, but I believe that if one is going to get going in the growth of the virtues, it is better to know the road. Part of knowing something is knowing what it is not. And true obedience requires great courage, and great love. These we ask for from God, through the ever-humble, ever-obedient hands of Our Lady.
A good patron saint for gaining the virtue of obedience in marriage and avoiding the vice, is St. Rita.
